Love me or hate me....Its still an obsession

Here we go, its a juicy one. Soooooo..... Im really frustrated today. No mail from my husbandy, instantly that always puts me in a bad mood to everyone but my daughter. My father has pancreatic cancer, but of course its not just any pancreatic cancer. Its the worst kind you can get, Im going to attempt to spell it Chalangelial carcinoma, which is a very very agressive form. And last night he was hopitalized again for like the 20th time in the past 6 months. He completley shuts me out about the whole situation except to tell me on a daily basis that he wants to die. My father is normally a very strong man, before all this I had only seen him cry a whole 2 times in my life. He didnt even cry when his father passed away, and now he cries everyday. Im stuck between a rock and a hard place. One Ive never gotten close to seeing what goes on inside my emotionless father, so I have absolutely no clue how to comfort him. Two how do you comfort someone who is stuck on the fact that their life is a ticking time bomb? I dont know what to do or to say to make him fell alright, except do you want me to roll you a joint? I feel absolutely terrible because he always says yes, but he feels much better afterwards. The situation never gets resolved. Plus I am 100% sure his wife is trying to speed the process up. She came home with him from his radiation a few days ago with his chemo medication and specific instructions on how the medication should be given. Not only did she give him a double dose but immediately gave him a double dose of his Oxycontin and Dilaudid, which the pain killers could have killed him alone. I dont understand how he makes it through all her "mistakes." Also he got into a really bad car accident on 9/9/99 and broke his neck, so he collects an annuitiy every month until 2020. And we never hear the end of her wanting him to sign it over to her so she can "Make sure us kids are taken care of" aka spend every damn penny on her and her kids. Dont get me wrong I dont want his money, I just dont want her to have it. She doesnt deserve anything but to rot behind bars for the rest of her sad pitiful life.
Anywho done with that topic. My daughter has been having such a hard time sleeping since my husband went back to bootcamp. I am exhausted everyday because she sleeps in my room and lays awake all night crying, blood curddling cries. But I know its just because she wants me to hold her all night and its not gonna happen. She needs to learn to soothe herself back to sleep. He must have been sleeping with her more than I know of. Like right now I just laid her down to sleep before I started this blog and she is already awake. Normally she takes her nap around noon and today I laid her down around 3 pm. I know she is not done with her nap already, so what am I forced to do? Sit here and continue to type like I dont here her. It kills me! But I am determined to always do what is best for my child no matter how much it hurts or how inconvient it may be. I get so damn sick and tired of hearing people all the time tell me to dope up my child with tyelonol or motrin because shes teething or just got back from having shots. Im like just because her leg is sore doesnt mean she needs medicine, I means she needs to tuff it out and be strong. I believe, espically with young parents, they always do what is easiest instead of is in the best intrest for their baby. Which is absolutely ludicris! Everyone has an opinion on how to take care of children, but in your heart you know what is right and what is wrong and no matter how frustrated you are, how tired, how close to the edge you think you may be. You are molding that small person into who they will become in the future ALWAYS do what is best for them and not you. I have quite a few friends who are mothers as well and I hardly ever agree with the way they raise their children, no I would never voice that opinion. But I also would never leave my child in their care, or would care for their children as they will set a bad example for my daughter.
I have this program called Your baby can read and there is alot of contraversey about it on the internet. Personally I think its a great program, and if you can afford to spend the 250.00 on it definately DO IT! No my daughter cannot read...yet. But she understands far more words than other kids her age and almost everyday she learns a new word. Today her word was ear. She cannot speak them yet but when I ask her "Show mommy your ear" her little finger points right to it. She is amazing! Sometimes it is so hard for me to not believe in God, with all the wonderful gifts I have been given in life.
Back to my husband. My husband is the most amazing person in the world! and we fit together perfectly. When all the excess stress from being to involved with out families is taken away, there is NEVER any yelling. And when we do have a disagreement it is usually solved in two sentences, the person with the issue explains themself and the other person says something along the lines of " I am so sorry I made you feel that way, what can I do to make it better for you?" Done, no more fighting. But lots and lots of paitence and hard work.
I feel like always ALWAYS! There are eyes on me, judgeing me and my family. So everyday I make sure that my house is clean, my family is presentable and that we are viewed for what we really are. An extremely happy loving family. I make sure that both my daughter and my husband know every single day how much I love them and I never walk away from them angry. Is it easy? HELL NO! Its it extremely important? Yes. I want to be the best wife and mother I can possibly be, and that in its self is harder than you can imagine. It means wearing a smile when you feel like crying. It means when you are exhausted at the end of the day, making a steak dinner for your husband and giving him a full body massage. It means keeping up your physcial apperance no matter if your just sitting in your house all day, because when your husband comes home, he wants to be eagerly greeted by a beautiful woman who takes pride in herself. Not a woman whose hair is a mess and is stressed from taking care of her child all day. It means no matter how much your "not in the mood" your ALWAYS sexually satisfy your husband. It means that your the sholder he cries on. All of these things in themselves make me the happy woman I am today. I look forward to all the many more lessons I can learn in life to make myself a better person, and make me closer to my family.