So you're going to prematurely punish me?

sooooo....I just got off the phone with my husband earlier and we had this big fight about shit that isnt even happening. When he came home from christmas break I told him I wanted to put the past in the past and start fresh because we fight way too much about shit that doesnt matter anymore. In particular my ex's.....he thinks that because they are always trying to contact me that Im gonna run right out and fuck them all, like Im the biggest oober skank in the world. He brings up one in particular who is the ugliest mo fo in the world...the only reason why I went out with him was to be cool ( i was 16). He annoyed the shit outta me and I havent talked to him for the past 5 years. Well around the middle of last year our relationship was at its lowest and as a last ditch effort I contacted him and tried to make my husband jealous to snap out of whatever it was he was doing, It didnt work needless to say and I quit talking to him. Recently one of my friends went out with him so we started talking again when my dad was in the hospital for a month. I told my husband I quit talking to him when I didnt and I cant keep anything from him. So when he came home for christmas break and we could talk face to face I tried to explain to him what its like when your all alone in the house with your infant daughter and have ABSOLUTELY no one to talk to. After a certian point even my own mother got tired of talking to me. So I had no one else to turn to. Mind you every last one of our conversations were PG and if he pushed the issue and further I would simply get offline and talk to him in a few days. Well now another one of my ex's has emailed me on myspace confessing his love for me, this one is a little trickier because this one I actually had hidden feelings for until recently. But as previously mentioned I cannot keep anything from my husband so he knew about these feelings. As I read my ex's email, I felt NOTHING. I thought my heart would be doing backflips and I would throw up. Because before my husband came along this is what I wanted most in my life. A chance to be with this person again who I'd loved so much and hadnt had a chance to fully appreciate because our relationship was ended prematurely. But low and behold nothing, no sparks, no fireworks, no even sweaty palms. It was then that I realized that MY husband IS the man of my dreams. He is the person who I'd loved so much and hadnt had a chance to fully appreciate because our relationship had ended prematurely. The person I was trying to find in everyone else (subconsciously) was already in my life, starring me right in the face (figuratively as hes in Georgia). There are no missing links in my life and there is nothing that needs to be fufilled. So after all the connections connected I kindly replied "No thanks" and proceeded to block him from ever messaging me again. Well once again my honesty bit me in the ass, because when I told my husband about this, I thought he would be overcome by joy as I was to learn of the completeness in our relationship. Instead I spent the next 20 mins crying my eyes out desperately trying to secure him and let him know there is no one else in the world for me. I told him this fight was ludacris and that we could be spending our time on the phone talking about much better things. That these people he is contantly bringing up, dont even exsist in my world and that they shouldnt exsist in his either. And that by continuing to bring them up, he was forcing me to have them in my world. He said he was sorry and that he shouldnt even have brought it up it was stupid....I just hate how he never trusts me! He is more of the person who has the things in the closet and I never bring them up. But with him, its like a constant battle. I always just try to support him and make him feel like a god, but its never enough. The end result was 5 rolled tacos with guacamole and a chicken taco from my favorite mexican place.

I'm kicking my own ass!

Whew!
I was thinking, you know people on the biggest looser loose like 20 lbs in a week. I wonder if I can do that. I mean I cant workout as much as them, but if I work out alot and eat less than they do. Im gonna try. Plus I have the Alli diet and stackers on my side.
Today I worked my freaking ass off! My body is really drained, I can feel it way bad. But it will feel better after dinner, but I have one more workout to do then. I worked out for 2 hours earlier and intend on doing one more later tonight.
I just had a lettuce, carrot and lime juice salad for lunch. It wasnt the best thing in the world but it filled me up really fast. I only got through half the lettuce.
Oh and btw that acai berry stuff, it doesnt work. I had the juice and its really gritty and its supposed to make you not hungry. Well it has alot of calories in it and it doesnt work so its like empty calories pretty much.
I need to start taking a mulit vitamin at night, Im pretty sure Im not getting all the vitamins my body needs. Thats probably why I feel so drained after my workouts. But I like it because it helps me to know that Im really doing some good. But Ill let you know how much weight I loose doing it this way in a week. I quit weighing myself everyday because its really discourging. I started getting off track because I was getting frustrated that I wasnt "loosing any weight" or so I thought.

you'll never get this, you'll never get this lalalalala

sooooo..... I have been talking to the most amazing person. Im so glad we started talking again. Its nice to have good friends espically when you have a tormented past with them and you can just forgive and forget and move on. I have been waiting for this moment for years it seems...maybe not years but thats what it feels like. I can just put all the bullshit aside and focus on being friends which is really refreshing. AND IT FEELS AWESOME!!!!
So Im starting the Alli diet today, it sounds really really disgusting (if you want to do your own research) Im not going to go into details. But what it basically does is increase your weight loss up to 50% by working with your digestive system to block up to 30% of the fat you eat. Im gonna start it at dinner because I havent fully read through all the materials it comes with. There is ALOT of materials, and if you try it make sure to read ALL of it becuse then you will have the "tremement effects" and those are not pretty! But Im pretty excited about it, Im just nervous about the "tremement effects."
So its the 17th and my husband graduates from AIT on the 28th and still no word on our orders, which is really starting to piss me off because Im like how am I supposed to get us a house and get the ball rolling or at least get on a waiting list if they wont tell me where the hell we are going. Still nothing on his ako either. UUUGGGGHHHH!!!! frustrating! I hate when the army dicks you around. I really thought he would call today since he just got done with hell week and all that but nothing. It will be just my luck that I wont get to the post until he has to leave for afganastan, that would really really suck! I would be PISSED!

weight loss update

so i just went and weighed myself and the verdict is...- 10 lbs. All fat no water weight. And today Im starting the three day diet, It is a crash diet and should not be followed for more than three days at a time. I use the Cleveland Clinics menu and I intend on following it for 9 days and see where that takes me. I didnt work out yesterday so Im feeling pretty lazy today but I will take care of that later on this afternoon.

Love me or hate me....Its still an obsession

Here we go, its a juicy one. Soooooo..... Im really frustrated today. No mail from my husbandy, instantly that always puts me in a bad mood to everyone but my daughter. My father has pancreatic cancer, but of course its not just any pancreatic cancer. Its the worst kind you can get, Im going to attempt to spell it Chalangelial carcinoma, which is a very very agressive form. And last night he was hopitalized again for like the 20th time in the past 6 months. He completley shuts me out about the whole situation except to tell me on a daily basis that he wants to die. My father is normally a very strong man, before all this I had only seen him cry a whole 2 times in my life. He didnt even cry when his father passed away, and now he cries everyday. Im stuck between a rock and a hard place. One Ive never gotten close to seeing what goes on inside my emotionless father, so I have absolutely no clue how to comfort him. Two how do you comfort someone who is stuck on the fact that their life is a ticking time bomb? I dont know what to do or to say to make him fell alright, except do you want me to roll you a joint? I feel absolutely terrible because he always says yes, but he feels much better afterwards. The situation never gets resolved. Plus I am 100% sure his wife is trying to speed the process up. She came home with him from his radiation a few days ago with his chemo medication and specific instructions on how the medication should be given. Not only did she give him a double dose but immediately gave him a double dose of his Oxycontin and Dilaudid, which the pain killers could have killed him alone. I dont understand how he makes it through all her "mistakes." Also he got into a really bad car accident on 9/9/99 and broke his neck, so he collects an annuitiy every month until 2020. And we never hear the end of her wanting him to sign it over to her so she can "Make sure us kids are taken care of" aka spend every damn penny on her and her kids. Dont get me wrong I dont want his money, I just dont want her to have it. She doesnt deserve anything but to rot behind bars for the rest of her sad pitiful life.
Anywho done with that topic. My daughter has been having such a hard time sleeping since my husband went back to bootcamp. I am exhausted everyday because she sleeps in my room and lays awake all night crying, blood curddling cries. But I know its just because she wants me to hold her all night and its not gonna happen. She needs to learn to soothe herself back to sleep. He must have been sleeping with her more than I know of. Like right now I just laid her down to sleep before I started this blog and she is already awake. Normally she takes her nap around noon and today I laid her down around 3 pm. I know she is not done with her nap already, so what am I forced to do? Sit here and continue to type like I dont here her. It kills me! But I am determined to always do what is best for my child no matter how much it hurts or how inconvient it may be. I get so damn sick and tired of hearing people all the time tell me to dope up my child with tyelonol or motrin because shes teething or just got back from having shots. Im like just because her leg is sore doesnt mean she needs medicine, I means she needs to tuff it out and be strong. I believe, espically with young parents, they always do what is easiest instead of is in the best intrest for their baby. Which is absolutely ludicris! Everyone has an opinion on how to take care of children, but in your heart you know what is right and what is wrong and no matter how frustrated you are, how tired, how close to the edge you think you may be. You are molding that small person into who they will become in the future ALWAYS do what is best for them and not you. I have quite a few friends who are mothers as well and I hardly ever agree with the way they raise their children, no I would never voice that opinion. But I also would never leave my child in their care, or would care for their children as they will set a bad example for my daughter.
I have this program called Your baby can read and there is alot of contraversey about it on the internet. Personally I think its a great program, and if you can afford to spend the 250.00 on it definately DO IT! No my daughter cannot read...yet. But she understands far more words than other kids her age and almost everyday she learns a new word. Today her word was ear. She cannot speak them yet but when I ask her "Show mommy your ear" her little finger points right to it. She is amazing! Sometimes it is so hard for me to not believe in God, with all the wonderful gifts I have been given in life.
Back to my husband. My husband is the most amazing person in the world! and we fit together perfectly. When all the excess stress from being to involved with out families is taken away, there is NEVER any yelling. And when we do have a disagreement it is usually solved in two sentences, the person with the issue explains themself and the other person says something along the lines of " I am so sorry I made you feel that way, what can I do to make it better for you?" Done, no more fighting. But lots and lots of paitence and hard work.
I feel like always ALWAYS! There are eyes on me, judgeing me and my family. So everyday I make sure that my house is clean, my family is presentable and that we are viewed for what we really are. An extremely happy loving family. I make sure that both my daughter and my husband know every single day how much I love them and I never walk away from them angry. Is it easy? HELL NO! Its it extremely important? Yes. I want to be the best wife and mother I can possibly be, and that in its self is harder than you can imagine. It means wearing a smile when you feel like crying. It means when you are exhausted at the end of the day, making a steak dinner for your husband and giving him a full body massage. It means keeping up your physcial apperance no matter if your just sitting in your house all day, because when your husband comes home, he wants to be eagerly greeted by a beautiful woman who takes pride in herself. Not a woman whose hair is a mess and is stressed from taking care of her child all day. It means no matter how much your "not in the mood" your ALWAYS sexually satisfy your husband. It means that your the sholder he cries on. All of these things in themselves make me the happy woman I am today. I look forward to all the many more lessons I can learn in life to make myself a better person, and make me closer to my family.

what up wit it vannilla face?

Sometimes the Army can be so frustrating! And it always seems like whatever can happen happens to you. I have been waiting for my hubands orders and of course everyone else in his platoon got theirs but him. The anticapation is killing me! I really hope we get stationed at Ft.Carson. I have a good friend there and it would be nice to have someone I know there to show me the ropes, so I dont fall flat on my face at this whole Army wife thing. Its hard to talk to anyone but her about anything because everyone thinks they know everything about the Army and try to tell you things that dont make any sence. In the back of your mind your thinking, where in the hell did you get that information? Its even kinda hard to talk to her sometimes about it because so much has changed even since her husband has went through bootcamp, only a year ago. I hate being away from my husband. Not only did my husband leave, but my best friend as well. He is the only person I trust with alot of my secrets, I have been burned way to many times in the past to reach out to anyone else. I have all these things I want to tell him all the time, but instead I have to focus on writting inspirational things to keep him on the right track. Plus he is missing out on so much with our daughter and It kills me to know that he is doing all this for a family he hardly sees. Really its not fair, but I dont think anything about the Army is. You know they dont even let you fill out a dream sheet anymore? They're just like your going to this place wether you like it or not. My husband says his unit is either going to Hawaii, Washington, or Colorado. Ive come to terms with that so really any place wouldnt bother me, but I would LOVE to go to Washington. Washington is such an amazing state! It is so beautiful and I absolutely love the rain! But like I previuosly stated, you never get what you want so we will probably end up going to hawaii.

So far....I only speak english

Sooooooo....Im on this huge weight loss journey. I started it last year around September but I got off track and am now with the program again. I decided that I was going to play around with a few different things and find out what works best for me. In no way am I condoning that anyone should follow my diet plan, it is pretty dangerous. With that said I hope to loose 100 lbs this year. So far when I started in September I was 272 and as of right now Im 241. How did I do it you ask? A combination of things. For one I eat less than 1000 calories a day, more around like 600. Mostly for breakfast I have either kashi ceral with skim milk or oatmeal with water. Occasionally I'll have an egg white omlete with turkey bacon. Then for lunch I have a t.v. dinner either healthy choice, lean cuisine, smart ones , kashi or Amy's organic. Dinner NO CARBS!!!! its the last meal of the day and you dont have time to burn them off, usually around 3 oz of lean meat and lots of veggies. Important note, CARBS ARE THE ENEMY!!!! If you are going to eat them, do it sparingly and always eat 100% whole wheat. It takes your body longer to digest them, therefore it burns more calories and they wont spike your blood sugar which is what makes you hungry. Oh and make sure you read all the labels of what you eat, alot of products are very misleading, if the first ingredient isnt whole wheat then its not 100%. Stay away from things with lots of sugar or high fructose corn syrup. Anything dairy always get low fat or non fat if you can stand it, one 8 oz. glass of whole milk has as much trans fat as a cheese burger. Educate yourself on what you are putting into your body. I drink at least 5-7 32 oz bottles of water a day, I start my day with a glass of water before I even eat breakfast, to get my metabolisim going. And recently have been taking one stacker and one water pill every day. Well the water pills I do in a 6 day rotational because you can only take them for 6 days. I do allow myself to splurge now and then on my favorite thing to eat, papa johns pizza. I have it like once a month. But I eat skinny cow ice cream all the time, and have a few cookies within reason. Really its all about self control, and being realistic. Set goals and hold yourself to them. Like today I said I was not going to eat after dinner and I didnt (thats what kills me, the late night snacking.)Also a good workout shedule is one of the most important things. If your like me and are heavy and lazy, running/jogging is just not gonna happen. And it shouldnt it is way bad on your knees when your bigger. Instead I walk for an hour 5 times a week and you will be amazed how much weight that will melt off of you. And the days the weather doesnt permit, I do a cardio circut. Which consists of 50 jumping jacks, a 20 sec plank, 10 girl push ups and 10 mountain climbers. I do this as many times as I can in 15 mins. Then I use a resistance band and work on my arms and I do 60 cruches and 60 leg lifts every day. I also do 90 chair squats, and a few misc. workouts just so I dont get bored. I do this workout at least 5 times a week, minus the circut. Except today i didnt do the chair squats because my knees were killing me. Those suck but make your ass look incredible! I now need to research a excersise for my inner thighs that I can do at home. So thats about it, Im sure Im missing some things but thats the jist of it.